Top Facebook Status Messages

Read through some of our historically awesome facebook status messages & tweets, ordered in descending order of popularity based on BORED.COM feedback and interactions. Like us on facebook to see brand new status updates and viral pics.

Copy these updates below and post them on your timeline to make your friends laugh. Have something hilarious to say? Contact us or leave us a message on our facebook page.


    New Status Updates

    Our newest facebook updates & tweets posted on 8/30/13. Happy Halloween!
  • Did you know? Its impossible to say "Good Eye Might" without sounding Australian? Like if you tried it!
  • Hey, I found your Nose, it was in my business again.
  • People say circumcision doesn’t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year.
  • I love sleep so much, it’s the first thing I want to do when I wake up.
  • There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
  • At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
  • If I haven’t said something vulgar to you then we probably aren’t good friends.
  • That awkward moment when people are singing “Happy Birthday” to you and you don’t know where to look.
  • So far this is the oldest I’ve ever been.
  • Dear Subway, chill out with the lettuce. Sincerely, everyone.
  • I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
  • Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
  • Full of peace and calm this morning. Googled my symptoms and found out I died in my sleep.
  • I named my TV remote Waldo, you know why.
  • I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
  • I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since the world ended in 2012.
  • Have you ever laughed so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
  • I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
  • Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
  • My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
  • “Wow, that is a nice lookin’ pair of Crocs.” Said no one ever.
  • Dear LOL, thanks for being there when I have nothing else to say.

    Cool Status Art Updates

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    Summer Status Updates

  • Interrupt my sleep and I'll interrupt your breathing
  • U, R, 2, 6, C, I, 1, 2, 4, Q. LIKE if you get
  • Usain Bolt should be a unlockable character on Temple Run
  • I really wish my eyes could take photos
  • I'm great in bed… I can sleep for hours
  • I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I'm delicious but damn
  • SUMMER NEEDS TO SLOW THE HELL DOWN
  • My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
  • I need new swear words..."


  • The awkward moment when the most annoying person is complaining about someone being annoying.
  • 99% sure my neighbors have seen me naked through my window at least 20 times. 1% sure 21 times.
  • "Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
  • Admit it, you’ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
  • Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder
  • I may look calm, but in my head I've punched you in the face 3 times!
  • "I wish I knew how to quit you." -Me, eating chips and salsa.
  • The best feeling: when you wake up at 5am and realize you still have more hours to sleep...
  • Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" is a clever person.
  • Onions: $3.00, Caramel: $2.00, Popsicle sticks: $1.00. Watching your friends bite into a caramel onion thinking it’s an apple: beyond priceless.
  • Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
  • If gas gets any more expensive I'll have to file for tankruptcy!


  • If your name is John, your parents were just lazy when they named you.
  • Favorite Status'

    These updates were popular among our fans
  • Exercise…ex…er…cise…..ex…ar…..size……eggs…are…sides….for bacon. Bacon.
  • Things I didn't learn in high school...
    how to pay bills
    buy a house
    apply for college
    but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
  • If you’re one of those people who say “quote, unquote” more than once a day, I hate you.
  • They say better late then never, but never late is better
  • Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
  • don't you dare like this status
  • Dragonfruit tastes nothing like dragons...
  • My neighbor knocked on my door at three in the morning! Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.
  • Stu(dying)
    Stu(died)
    Coincidence? I think not.
  • I love it when people call me at 3 AM. "Hey, are you asleep?" "No, I'm skydiving."
  • Tell someone, "You wore that shirt the day after yesterday" and see how long it takes them to get it.




  • More Popular Status Updates

  • Those of you who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead" don't really get how the whole "dead" thing works, do you?
  • the more you know: If you can't sleep it's because your in someone else's dream...
  • finish this...
  • We all know a douche bag named Kyle
  • Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
  • Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
  • –^v–^v–^v–^v-_____^v–^v–^v– For a second there, I was bored to death
  • Insert coin to view my status message
  • X is Loading ████████████ 99%
  • "Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing." -Ron Swanson
  • An "ear of corn" looks nothing like an ear
  • Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself!
  • Just watched that TLC show where they exploit people.
  • if your bored write your password as a comment plz
  • If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you.
  • If my name was Mario, I'd end all my relationships with "It's not you, It's-a me Mario!"
  • I hate it when you drink water and the ice attacks your face
  • If you think about it, Miss Mary Mack was the pioneer for goth girls.


  • Staff Favorites & Custom Icons

  • Cut here —————–✄———————-
  • Coffee to me is what mushrooms are to Mario.
  • I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you’re a train wreck from all the way over here.
  • Are you a beaver? Cause dam.
  • Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
  • I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
  • Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
  • decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
  • The best feeling: when you wake up at midnight and realize you still have more hours to sleep.
  • Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don't know when.
  • if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP


  • Old school statuses

  • Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what is left.
  • You say stalking. I say protecting you with binoculars.
  • That awesome moment when someone cancels plans that you didn’t want to have in the first place.
  • 2013 Pick Up Lines: "I have a full tank of gas."
  • Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
  • Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
  • Money can’t buy happiness but it sure buys a lot of distractions.
  • Do you ever feel pressure to play good music when people are in your car?
  • You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.
  • Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
  • My favorite colors are Grey Goose & Red Bull
  • Old people study the shit out of receipts.
  • "I know" - best response to someone telling you your fly is open
  • The awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and walks straight past you.
  • Hey Facebook search, way to guess the guy I’m stalking after I only typed in 1 letter.


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13 days of Halloween!

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