Work Excuses ...
i can't come to work today, i'm farting blood

Im Sorry I Wont Be In Work Today My House Set On Fire And Everything Got Burnt

I cant come into work today because my leg is stuck in the drain outside of my house, and the rescue team haven't arrived yet to get it out.

I cant come to work because I lost the house keys, I'm locked in.

Dave can't come to work today because, I, his other personality has taken over and I dont work.

Im Sorry I Wont Be In Work Today My House Set On Fire And Everything Got Burnt
I cant come into work today because my leg is stuck in the drain outside of my house, and the rescue team haven't arrived yet to get it out.
I cant come to work because I lost the house keys, I'm locked in.
Dave can't come to work today because, I, his other personality has taken over and I dont work.
It is against my religion to work on Mondays and Wednesdays.
I have amnesia, who r u? work?
I'd love to come to work today, but I got on the wrong train and I'm now in Edinburgh.
I'm just about to reach enlightenment, so I cant possibly come to work because it will disturb my practices.
I cant come to work because the aliens are coming tonight and I'm baking cakes to give to them as peace offerings.
I'm not coming to work today..... "why not?" ....... because ..... I'm not
I cant come to work because they are after me!!............. "who?" ................ Ahhhhhhhh(hear shouting and bangs) ........."hello?...............??"
My friend can't come into work today because I knocked him out.
I saved so much money by switching to Geico I don't have to work today
im sorry but my eyes are just in bad shape right now. I just cant see myself going into work today.
Sorry boss I cant go to work today because my car keys grew legs of their own and ran off!
Sorry I cannot take the job, When I was but a youngster a wise man told me that there are two days a year that if you work you will surely die. I was so young that I forgot to ask what those two days were and now because of fear I cannot work any day of the year.
I can't(grunt) come in to (grunt) work today, I HAVE (grunt) EXPLOSIVE DIARREA!!!!!!
I'm not sure when I'll be in to work...I am in the shower and the shampoo bottle says to, "Lather, Rinse, Repeat." I might be here for a loooong time.
I can't come into work today, I have anal glacoma. What? I can't see my butt coming into work!!!
I dont have my work clothes so I wouldnt be coming in today
I'll be late for work today becuase I was on my way to the car, and see it was hot out so I decided I needed to take a break.
I can't go to work today, because I was painting my house and I drooped paint on the floor and have to put in a new carpet
im sorry, i couldnt bring my work in on a floppy disk, i got pissed up and jammed the disk drive by seeing how many m & ms i could fit in
My arm is too tired to shift, so I can't drive to work today
I don't think i'll be able to come into work today, As i was walking home from work yesterday a wheel came off a passing caravan and hit me in the back. Im bed-bound and can't move.
I won't be able to come into work today because i have to visit my sister in hospital, she had an epileptic seizure as she was holding her baby, threw the baby in front of her which i caught, she then jumped through one of my stained glass windows and landed in my fish pond killing the koi carp. Sorry.
Dear (Who Ever) Im Sorry I Cant Come Work Today As I Fell In My Pond And I Drowned
"I just called to say I couldn't make it to work today. My computer has a virus and I have been up all night cleaning up after and tending to it."
I'll be out today because I got stuck in traffic on the Parkway and I was overcome by the fumes and had to go home
I can't come to work today because I have an eye problem, I can't see coming to work today
Sorry I wasn't in yesterday my legs were on strike
I cant come to work tomorrow its messing up my social life
I can't come into work today, I'm dead.
"I don't have a pencil."
"I don't have test results."
"I don't have paper."
"I don't have equipment."
"I don't have paper."
"I don't have material."
"I don't have resources."
"I don't have personnel."
"I don't have enough space."
"I don't have enough time."
"I don't have enough money."
"I don't have the right tools."
"It's not good enough."
"He (or she) is not fast enough."
"He (or she) is not smart enough."
"It's not clean enough."
"It's not the right direction."
"It's not the right look."
"It's not the right weight."
"It's not the right thickness."
"It's not the right feel."
"It's not what you think."
"It's not low enough."
"It's not high enough."
"It's not small enough."
"It's not big enough."
"It's not dark enough."
"It's not light enough.
"It's not flashy enough."
"It's not bold enough."
"It's not cold enough."
"It's not hot enough."
"It's not the right place."
"It's not the right time."
"It's not in the family's best interest."
"It's not in the company's best interest."
"It's not in our national security."
"It's not our policy."
"It's not the right edition."
"It's not the right version"
"It's not my job."
"I only missed the one day but [fill in another persons name ] missed four days in a row and you didn't say anything to them!"
"Oh, you mean it's Next' Monday I have off!!" (Note: must be said with an incredulous expression)
"I couldn't find a spot to park (Note: This is often true at my workplace!) (Editor's note: mine too!)"
"I didn't see the Construction Detour sign so I drove my car straight into four feet of hot asphalt!"
"I couldn't attend the seminar because my friend's cat had kittens."
"I mis-understood because my contact lens was ripped."
"I prefer to remain an enigma."
"I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation."
"I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates."
"I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian."
"My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it."
"The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet."
"The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled."
"I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information."
"Constipation has made me a walking time bomb."
"Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling."
"I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant."
"I have a rare case of 48 hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet..."
"My stigmata's acting up."
"When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it."
"If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today."
"I had a strong premonition that I shouldn't go out of the house today."
"I accidentally divided by zero, and my paper went up in flames."
"I couldn't do my homework because my calculator is solar powered, and it was cloudy outside."
"I have an appointment with my lawyer to discuss the laws of the Fair Labor Standards Act in respect to my case."
"I have to go to ________ to fill out some paperwork and their office closes at 2:00 pm."
"If I don't see my therapist soon, there's no telling what I might do!" (say this with a crazed look on your face)
"There's a Gilligan's Island marathon coming on TV, and I have to go home and set my VCR."
"I have to have emergency split end surgery at the salon."
"I was up until 3:00 am working on a procedure that would simultaneously increase production & efficiency, and also reduce expenses. I'd rather not discuss it until I have all the kinks worked out." (this gives you a little time to come up with some more BS)
"I really wanted to come to work this morning, but physical circumstances wouldn't allow it."
"My house is surrounded by an electromagnetic field that caused my alarm clock to reset itself."
"I was abducted by aliens on the way to work."
"I was dreaming and couldn't wake up."
"My internal clock's power went off during the night."
"The dog had puppies in the drivers seat of my car."
"The road in front of my house was closed for repair."
"My cat is suffering from depression and can't be left alone."
"I just wanted to see if you could get along without me, so you would know how valuable I am to you."
"I was just informed that my car has been recalled by the manufacturer and it is unsafe to drive."
"My psychic warned me not to leave the house today."
"When I left the house and locked the door this morning, the key broke off in the lock. The locksmith is out of town until Tuesday, so I can't leave the house until then.
"My dog chewed up my shoes and I couldn't very well come to work barefooted, could I!? (use this in the winter)"
"My car's battery is dead and there isn't anyone in a 50 mile radius who has jumper cables."
"I'm feeling kinda disgruntled today.... You want I should come in?" (a favorite excuse of postal workers.)
"How should I know, paper shredders look a lot like fax machines!"
"I thought that paper shredder WAS the fax machine!"
"[Name of new hire] had been assigned the task, but [your manager's manager] is asking for another cost analysis, due to changed venue. I'll get back to you on it."
"[Name of employee who left the company] was originally responsible for that task."
"Who, me??? I just got back from the asylum!"
"I'm sorry I can't hear you, I'm hard of hearing in that ear."
I cannot come into work today because I came down with a bad case of something or other.
I'll be in late today because my cat is sick again. (This is the same person from excuse # 123)
I'll be in late this morning. I have a possum in my backyard and it's freaking out my dog. I have to get it out before I can leave.
Sorry, won't be in for 3 days. Went to see my sister off on her cruise to Bahamas...darn ship left with me still on it.. Captain refuses to turn back.
A girl that I used to work with said she couldn't get come to work because she'd been abducted over the weekend and needed to recover.
I can't come in today because I feel sick and I can't breath because of all the smoke in the air.
I'm going to need to take a couple of day off Thursday and Friday, because the city said I have to clean up my back yard before Monday or I'm going to get a big fine!
I can't come in today....I found a stray cat by my home this week-end and it has really bad diarrhea and I have to take it to the vets.
I won't be in to work today. My wife said she is going to conceive today, and I want to be there when it happens.
A girl I worked with called in with: "I wont be in today because my dog has a headache, and I need to take it to the vet.."
My assistant called in with this one. "I cant come to work today because my cat is lonely and stressed out and if I don't spend quality time with him, he will keep peeing on the furniture!"
I'll be in a little late today. During the night the power must have gone off because when I woke up my alarm clock time was flashing. And of course I over slept.
I can't come into work today. There is a cat sitting on the fence outside more door and he won't let me out. It looks like he will attack me if I go outside!
Please excuse Henry for being late. He was stuck in the bathroom without any toilet paper.
This excuse has been used by myself several times. I'll be out today or late, I woke up dizzy (I suffer from vertigo).
Work....I didn't want to be late for work again today so I called in sick instead!
I'll be in later today. I accidentally through away my jewelry, that was in a zip lock bag, away in the dumpster after I got back from vacation. I have to try and find it.
I left the windows open in my room all night and when I woke up I had a stiff neck. I can't coming in today.
The pharmacy is making up some cream for me today - so I won't be in to work.
I can't come into work today, because the hot water tap broke on the bathtub.
I can't make it to work today, because the fan belt broke on the van, the brakes went out, and it has a flat tire.
On my way to work today, my tooth cracked. I'll be going to the dentist.
I won't be into work today because my plane that was going to leave on Sunday didn't leave until today.
My co-worker once called in this excuse to me and asked me to tell our supervisor. " I have ants." It was later explained that she had ants in her basement apartment and had to call an exterminator in.
I'm sorry I was late, I forgot to look at my watch!!!
I can't come in to work today, my sister tripped over the dog, fell off the porch and broke her wrist. I have to take her to the hospital.
I am unable to come to work today. I tried lifting our baby daughter out of her crib and twisted my back.
An employee phoned in at 9:00 am with the following. "My sister stole my money and I am out looking for her."
I can not come to work today because I do not have any shoes.!!!
I lost my car keys skiing and I can't leave until I find them!
I won't be in today. I was up all week-end with this new girl I met and I didn't get any sleep....if you know what I mean!
Last night a friend I haven't seen in a long time came over and gave me a bear hug and broke one of my ribs, so I won't be in today.
I am sick with the Lack. Lack of ambition.
I won't be able to make it to work today due to my Aunt flying in from ______________, you see, she has one arm and two pieces of luggage and really needs me to be there for her.
I'm calling in sick - of working for your company...!
I won't be in today because I can't find my clothes.
I actually used this. It did happen. I was late yesterday because my cat was alarmed at my sleep-talking and jumped off the bed, knocked my alarm off the dresser, of which the batteries fell out; And I over slept.
A friend I hadn't seen for years came round just as I was setting off for work, I couldn't leave could I?
Someone dumped a truck-load of sand in front of my driveway and I won't be in today.
I will not be into work today because my parents dog died.
I won't be able to come to work next week . Were trying for a baby and the doc says next week is the best chance.
This one was actually used by one of my employees. "Sorry I did not show up yesterday, I locked myself in the bathroom."
I have extremely bad diarrhea. I mean REALLY bad. I am stuck in the house for a LONNNNNNNG time. A *long* time.
I slipped in the shower and torque my knee. I can't walk on it at all.
I sprained my wrist cooking dinner in the microwave last nite.
Someone smashed in my windows this morning with a large blunt object.
My dog is having puppies and I need to help her.
There has been an urgent family emergency, which I can't talk about lest I endanger any innocent bystanders. (This one could be good for a few days).
Well, you see, my boyfriend's friend's cousin, her mother is a total flake and her three kids are getting taken away by CPS and she is going to jail, and my boyfriend is working, his cousin is out of town and so you can see that I have to stay home and watch them.
Sorry Boss I can't come into work spirit guide says work is for losers!
My coworker Wilma Martinez called in and said " The snowplow was stuck in front of her driveway ". It took three days before they could get back to tow it away. Chicago January blizzards. She brought in pictures the next week.
Can't come in today, the springs on the garage door broke and I can't get the car out cause the door won't open.
I am sorry but I will be unable to come in to work today. My agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) is kicking in and I am afraid to drive today.
I'm not coming to work to day because my computer has got a virus. And my computer means more to me then this job
My husband had a vasectomy yesterday and his balls are enlarged, so I need to stay home and help him ice them.
A man I worked with once called in with... "My wife's breasts are sore after her breast enlargement so I need to stay home and massage her tits."
Yesterday I caught a bad cold while vacationing in Miami, Florida. Sorry!
Actually used and they will know me but it was 15 yrs ago.... my roommates horse overate and he has been walking it since midnight, I need to walk the horse so it doesn't lay down and die.
I was already at work for this and wanted to leave...Tell the boss I called home a few minutes ago and gotta go, my girlfriend went out to sunbathe naked in the back yard and locked herself out of the house and needs the door opened.
I have a bit of a problem. I got the end of a Q-tip stuck in my ear and have to go to the doctors to get it out.
I'm not going to work today, I spent my paycheck on lottery tickets, and I'm out of Gas 'till payday. (actually used by a security guard)
I am not coming in because I tried to dye my hair blonde, but it came out green!
I am calling in because I do not feel up to par today.
I had missed a lot of work and my boss made me promise I would not be late, but I woke
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
I can't come into work today because of eye trouble.... I can't see working today.
Hello, This is, ________ I've used all of my sick days and I'm calling in dead.
Can't make it in. I have a chance of filling in for someone on jury duty.
Excuse me sir, but I won't be in today. My home is flooded and I'm currently standing on my dresser in my second story bedroom. Thanks and have a nice day.
I won't be in today....I'm calling in dead.
My wife is too sick to get out of bed, so I'm staying home to take care of her.
I can't come to work today because the city is paving my street and I can't get out!
Had to be rushed to hospital for coffee burns on my lap be in tomorrow!
Tom Robbins says: "any one who goes to work everyday... everyday... IS sick! so, 'call in well' to work today!
I was stepping down out of my trailer and I missed the step and when I landed on the ground I messed up my back.
My boyfriend hit me over the head with a speaker and I'm kind of messed up.
My cat got ran over by a motorcycle and I need to take it to the vet.
My car ran out of gas on the way to work. I was pushing it to a gas station and I got a stomach hernia and I have to go to the doctors.
My car caught on fire on the way to work so I can't make it in.
Last night we had a party and I woke up with a strange man in my bed!
I'm not coming in because I need a mental day.
I won't be in today. I'm still drunk from last night.
I don't think I'll be in work for awhile. Yesterday I was riding my son's BMX bike and I fell and broke my ankle it two places and I'm in the hospital.
Last night in San Francisco I was attacked by a gay guy who didn't like the remarks I made about him and he hit me in the face and broke the windshield of my car with a small bat that I tried to hit him with.
I fell off a ladder fixing the roof on my house and I landed on my elbow.
I won't be in today because I have come down with Spring Fever.
My neighbor's daughter got a round hair brush stuck in her hair and I need to help her get it out.



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