Computer Excuses ...
Terorists crashed an airplane into the server room, have to remove /bin/laden. (rm -rf /bin/laden)

greenpeace free'd the mallocs

vi needs to be upgraded to vii

According to Microsoft, it's by design

Mailer-daemon is busy burning your message in hell.

greenpeace free'd the mallocs
vi needs to be upgraded to vii
According to Microsoft, it's by design
Mailer-daemon is busy burning your message in hell.
Browser's cookie is corrupted -- someone's been nibbling on it.
overflow error in /dev/null
Zombie processess detected, machine is haunted.
Trojan horse ran out of hay
Hash table has woodworm
Cache miss - please take better aim next time
Hot Java has gone cold
sticky bit has come loose
crop circles in the corn shell
Daemon escaped from pentagram
Internet shut down due to maintainance
Please state the nature of the technical emergency
error: one bad user found in front of screen
Borg nanites have infested the server
Borg implants are failing
Mouse has out-of-cheese-error
Temporal anomaly
Firmware update in the coffee machine
network down, IP packets delivered via UPS
internet is needed to catch the etherbunny
stop bit received
operation failed because: there is no message for this error (#1014)
It's not RFC-822 compliant.
Someone else stole your IP address, call the Internet detectives!
Domain controler not responding
Feature was not beta tested
Repeated reboots of the system failed to solve problem
Sysadmins busy fighting SPAM.
Computer room being moved. Our systems are down for the weekend.
We're out of slots on the server
Maintence window broken
tachyon emissions overloading the system
Cow-tippers tipped a cow onto the server.
Radial Telemetry Infiltration
Traffic jam on the Information Superhighway.
Electrical conduits in machine room are melting.
The vulcan-death-grip ping has been applied.
Computers under water due to SYN flooding.
Route flapping at the NAP.
Bad cafeteria food landed all the sysadmins in the hospital.
Sysadmins unavailable because they are in a meeting talking about why they are unavailable so much.
Sysadmin accidentally destroyed pager with a large hammer.
Sysadmin didn't hear pager go off due to loud music from bar-room speakers.
Secretary sent chain letter to all 5000 employees.
Sales staff sold a product we don't offer.
We are Microsoft. What you are experiencing is not a problem; it is an undocumented feature.
We are a 100% Microsoft Shop.
Data for intranet got routed through the extranet and landed on the internet.
T-1's congested due to porn traffic to the news server.
Mail server hit by UniSpammer.
Redundant ACLs.
Jupiter is aligned with Mars.
Interferance from the Van Allen Belt.
It's union rules. There's nothing we can do about it. Sorry.
We already sent around a notice about that.
Increased sunspot activity.
/dev/clue was linked to /dev/null
Bad user karma.
Your computer's union contract is set to expire at midnight.
The Internet is being scanned for viruses.
Dyslexics retyping hosts file on servers
t's an ID-10-T error
Your processor has taken a ride to Heaven's Gate on the UFO behind Hale-Bopp's comet.
Someone was smoking in the computer room and set off the halon systems.
Robotic tape changer mistook operator's tie for a backup tape.
Operators killed when huge stack of backup tapes fell over.
We've picked COBOL as the language of choice.
Operators killed by year 2000 bug bite.
Someone hooked the twisted pair wires into the answering machine.
Budget cuts forced us to sell all the power cords for the servers.
Root name servers corrupted.
Its the InterNIC's fault.
Suspicious pointer corrupted virtual machine
Forced to support NT servers; sysadmins quit.
Incorrectly configured static routes on the corerouters.
Virus due to computers having unsafe sex.
Virus transmitted from computer to sysadmins.
Failure to adjust for daylight savings time.
Webmasters kidnapped by evil cult.
ATM cell has no roaming feature turned on, notebooks can't connect
parallel processors running perpendicular today
Sand fleas eating the Internet cables
Out of cards on drive D:
Plasma conduit breach
Communist revolutionaries taking over the server room and demanding all the computers in the building or they shoot the sysadmin. Poor misguided fools.
Your parity check is overdrawn and you're out of cache.
YOU HAVE AN I/O ERROR -> Incompetent Operator error
struck by the Good Times virus
I'd love to help you -- it's just that the Boss won't let me near the computer.
the daemons! the daemons! the terrible daemons!
Boredom in the Kernel.
Chewing gum on /dev/sd3c
Second-sytem effect.
The cables are not the same length.
PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair)
paradigm shift...without a clutch
Stray Alpha Particles from memory packaging caused Hard Memory Error on Server.
We're on Token Ring, and it looks like the token got loose.
The rubber band broke
Your/our computer(s) had suffered a memory leak, and we are waiting for them to be topped up.
Having to manually track the satellite.
Network failure - call NBC
The ATM board has run out of 10 pound notes. We are having a whip round to refill it, care to contribute ?
HTTPD Error 4004 : very old Intel cpu - insufficient processing power
HTTPD Error 666 : BOFH was here
Well fix that in the next (upgrade, update, patch release, service pack).
manager in the cable duct
old inkjet cartridges emanate barium-based fumes
the butane lighter causes the pincushioning
the xy axis in the trackball is coordinated with the summer soltice
the AA battery in the wallclock sends magnetic interference
50% of the manual is in .pdf readme files
A plumber is needed, the network drain is clogged
suboptimal routing experience
those damn racoons!
quatnum decoherence
Server depressed, needs Prozak
Fiber optics caused gas main leak
The POP server is out of Coke
We need a licensed electrician to replace the light bulbs in the computer room.
Your processor does not develop enough heat.
Your packets were eaten by the terminator
Your processor has processed too many intructions. Turn it off emideately, do not type any commands!!
Your Pentium has a heating problem - try cooling it with ice cold water.(Do not turn of your computer, you do not want to cool down the Pentium Chip while he isn't working, do you?)
Scheduled global CPU outage
You've been infected by the Telescoping Hubble virus.
Your computer hasn't been returning all the bits it gets from the Internet.
Your EMAIL is now being delivered by the USPS.
Internet exceeded Luser level, please wait until a luser logs off before attempting to log back on.
Elves on strike. (Why do they call EMAG Elf Magic)
The recent proliferation of Nuclear Testing
You need to upgrade your VESA local bus to a MasterCard local bus.
your process is not ISO 9000 compliant
incompatible bit-registration operators
transient bus protocol violation
asynchronous inode failure
firewall needs cooling
CD-ROM server needs recalibration
emissions from GSM-phones
CPU-angle has to be adjusted because of vibrations coming from the nearby road
IRQ-problems with the Un-Interruptable-Power-Supply
routing problems on the neural net
fractal radiation jamming the backbone
microelectronic Riemannian curved-space fault in write-only file system
appears to be a Slow/Narrow SCSI-0 Interface problem
Digital Manipulator exceeding velocity parameters
The data on your hard drive is out of balance.
Not enough interrupts
Too many interrupts
The hardware bus needs a new token.
The Token fell out of the ring. Call us when you find it.
PCMCIA slave driver
You must've hit the wrong anykey.
We ran out of dial tone and we're and waiting for the phone company to deliver another bottle.
Due to the CDA, we no longer have a root account.
The CPU has shifted, and become decentralized.
Interference between the keyboard and the chair.
Hard drive sleeping. Let it wake up on it's own...
Telecommunications is downshifting.
Telecommunications is downgrading.
Telecommunications is upgrading.
Electrons on a bender
Lawn mower blade in your fan need sharpening
High altitude condensation from U.S.A.F prototype aircraft has contaminated the primary subnet mask. Turn off your computer for 9 days to avoid damaging it.
The co-locator cannot verify the frame-relay gateway to the ISDN server.
Traceroute says that there is a routing problem in the backbone. It's not our problem.
The static electricity routing is acting up...
The Dilithium Cyrstals need to be rotated.
Your Flux Capacitor has gone bad.
U.S. Postal Service
Bit rot
It was OK before you touched it.
The cord jumped over and hit the power switch.
Netscape has crashed
The kernel license has expired
Someone has messed up the kernel pointers
Melting hard drives
Neutrino overload on the nameserver
The UPS is on strike.
All of the packets are empty.
The mouse escaped.
Your modem doesn't speak English.
It's stuck in the Web.
Our POP server was kidnapped by a weasel.
The Usenet news is out of date
We're upgrading /dev/null
Someone's tie is caught in the printer, and if anything else gets printed, he'll be in it too.
That's easy to fix, but I can't be bothered.
That would be because the software doesn't work.
You need to install an RTFM interface.
Standing room only on the bus.
Interference from lunar radiation
We've run out of licenses
Our ISP is having {switching,routing,SMDS,frame relay} problems
Processes running slowly due to weak power supply
Program load too heavy for processor to lift.
Unfortunately we have run out of bits/bytes/whatever. Don't worry, the next supply will be coming next week.
Too much radiation coming from the soil.
Due to Federal Budget problems we have been forced to cut back on the number of users able to access the system at one time. (namely none allowed....)
It must have been the lightning storm we had (yesterdy) (last week) (last month)
The Borg tried to assimilate your system. Resistance is futile.
Your cat tried to eat the mouse.
The computer fletely, mouse and all.
Software uses US measurements, but the OS is in metric...
_Rosin_ core solder? But...
Too many little pins on CPU confusing it, bend back and forth until 10-20% are neatly removed. Do _not_ leave metal bits visible!
CPU needs bearings repacked
You did wha... oh _dear_....
Plate voltage too low on demodulator tube
Fanout dropping voltage too much, try cutting some of those little traces
The new frame relay network hasn't bedded down the software loop transmitter yet.
Someone is broadcasting pigmy packets and the router dosn't know how to deal with them.
TCP/IP UDP alarm threshold is set too low.
Ionisation from the air-conditioning
We had to turn off that service to comply with the CDA Bill.
Lusers learning curve appears to be fractal
wrong polarity of neutron flow
That function is not currently supported, but Bill Gates assures us it will be featured in the next upgrade.
Fatal error right in front of screen
A star wars satellite accidently blew up the WAN.
It's those computer people in X {city of world}. They keep stuffing things up.
Jan 9 16:41:27 huber su: 'su root' succeeded for .... on /dev/pts/1
The lines are all busy (busied out, that is -- why let them in to begin with?).
I'm not sure. Try calling the Internet's head office -- it's in the book.
The mainframe needs to rest. It's getting old, you know.
Someone thought The Big Red Button was a light switch.
Recursivity. Call back if it happens again.
The UPS doesn't have a battery backup.
The MGs ran out of gas.
What office are you in? Oh, that one. Did you know that your building was built over the universities first nuclear research site? And wow, are'nt you the lucky one, your office is right over where the core is buried!
High nuclear activity in your area.
Flourescent lights are generating negative ions. If turning them off doesn't work, take them out and put tin foil on the ends.
Change your language to Finnish.
Of course it doesn't work. We've performed a software upgrade.
Lightning strikes.
We didn't pay the Internet bill and it's been cut off.
Only people with names beginning with 'A' are getting mail this week (a la Microsoft)
Your mail is being routed through Germany ... and they're censoring us.
We are currently trying a new concept of using a live mouse. Unfortuantely, one has yet to survive being hooked up to the computer.....please bear with us.
Police are examining all internet packets in the search for a narco-net-traficer
Quantum dynamics are affecting the transistors
Just pick up the phone and give modem connect sounds. "Well you said we should get more lines so we don't have voice lines."
Write-only-memory subsystem too slow for this machine. Contact your local dealer.
kernel panic: write-only-memory (/dev/wom0) capacity exceeded.
The monitor needs another box of pixels.
the curls in your keyboard cord are losing electricity.
Post-it Note Sludge leaked into the monitor.
I'm sorry a pentium won't do, you need an SGI to connect with us.
Me no internet, only janitor, me just wax floors.
We only support a 28000 bps connection.
We only support a 1200 bps connection.
Did you pay the new Support Fee?
runaway cat on system.
Just type 'mv * /dev/null'.
Proprietary Information.
SCSI's too wide.
..disk or the processor is on fire.
Reformatting Page. Wait...
permission denied
system consumed all the paper for paging
loop found in loop in redundant loopback
filesystem not big enough for Jumbo Kernel Patch
endothermal recalibration
Atilla the Hub
ether leak
multicasts on broken packets
short leg on process table
vapors from evaporating sticky-note adhesives
OS swapped to disk
Backbone adjustment
Recursive traversal of loopback mount points
pseudo-user on a pseudo-terminal
NOTICE: alloc: /dev/null: filesystem full
popper unable to process jumbo kernel
broadcast packets on wrong frequency
le0: no carrier: transceiver cable problem?
excessive collisions & not enough packet ambulances
Backbone Scoliosis
root rot
no "any" key on keyboard
bugs in the RAID
monitor VLF leakage
non-redundant fan failure
Stubborn processes
Defunct processes
Incorrect time syncronization
Zombie processes haunting the computer
Dumb terminal
You can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish (from most tunefs man pages)
Big to little endian conversion error
My pony-tail hit the on/off switch on the power strip.
Some one needed the powerstrip, so they pulled the switch plug.
Arcserve crashed the server again.
Dew on the telephone lines.
Insert coin for new game
Party-bug in the Aloha protocol.
Communications satellite used by the military for star wars.
Flat tire on station wagon with tapes. ("Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway" Andrew S. Tanenbaum)
Too few computrons available.
had to use hammer to free stuck disk drive heads.
new guy cross-connected phone lines with ac power bus.
disks spinning backwards - toggle the hemisphere jumper.
LBNC (luser brain not connected)
UBNC (user brain not connected)
BNC (brain not (user brain not connected)
User was distributing pornography on server; system seized by FBI.
Daemons loose in system.
You put the disk in upside down.
because of network lag due to too many people playing deathmatch
It's not plugged in.
SCSI Chain overterminated
telnet: Unable to connect to remote host: Connection refused
new management
The ring needs another token
Power Company having EMP problems with their reactor
Sticky bits on disk.
it has Intel Inside
we just switched to Sprint.
user to computer ration too low.
user to computer ratio too high.
because Bill Gates is a Jehovah's witness and so nothing can work on St. Swithin's day.
halon system went off and killed the operators.
we just switched to FDDI.
evil hackers from Serbia.
the router thinks its a printer.
the printer thinks its a router.
the real ttys became pseudo ttys and vice-versa.
your keyboard's space bar is generating spurious keycodes.
electro-magnetic pulses from French above ground nuke testing.
Root nameservers are out of sync
The monitor is plugged into the serial port
The salesman drove over the CPU board.
The rolling stones concert down the road caused a brown out
The electricity substation in the car park blew up.
The air conditioning water supply pipe ruptured over the machine room
The keyboard isn't plugged in
The electrician didn't know what the yellow cable was so he yanked the ethernet out.
UPS interrupted the server's power
backup tape overwritten with copy of system manager's favourite CD
operators on strike due to broken coffee machine
Power company testing new voltage spike (creation) equipment
Collapsed Backbone
IRQ dropout
SIMM crosstalk.
The vendor put the bug there.
Small animal kamikaze attack on power supplies
Vendor no longer supports the product
Pentium FDIV bug
Internet outage
Feature not yet implimented
Stale file handle (next time use Tupperware(tm)!)
Mouse chewed through power cable
Budget cuts
Electromagnetic energy loss
Boss' kid fucked up the machine
Password is too complex to decrypt
Runt packets
Windows 95 undocumented "feature"
Someone is standing on the ethernet cable, causeing a kink in the cable
Support staff hung over, send aspirin and come back LATER.
Yeah, yo mama dresses you funny and you need a mouse to delete files.
Please excuse me, I have to circuit an AC line through my head to get this database working.
That's a great computer you have there; have you considered how it would work as a BSD machine?
Look, buddy: Windows 3.1 IS A General Protection Fault.
Yes, yes, its called a desgin limitation
Typo in the code
Unoptimized hard drive
There isn't any problem
You're out of memory
Daemons did it
Satan did it
The file system is full of it
nesting roaches shorted out the ether cable
knot in cables caused data stream to become twisted and kinked
only available on a need to know basis
descramble code needed from software company
bit bucket overflow
system needs to be rebooted
CPU needs recalibration
not properly grounded, please bury computer
need to wrap system in aluminum foil to fix problem
not approved by the FCC
system has been recalled
failed trials, system needs redesigned
high pressure system failure
Groundskeepers stole the root password
Electricians made popcorn in the power supply
Plumber mistook routing panel for decorative wall fixture
Evil dogs hypnotized the night shift
Little hamster in running wheel had coronary; waiting for replacement to be Fedexed from Wyoming
Smell from unhygenic janitorial staff wrecked the tape heads
Cosmic ray particles crashed through the hard disk platter
Change in Earth's rotational speed
Bogon emissions
bad ether in the cables
Complete Transient Lockout
waste water tank overflowed onto computer
virus attack, luser responsible
bank holiday - system operating credits not recharged
boss forgot system password
spaghetti cable cause packet failure
interrupt configuration error
not enough memory, go get system upgrade
terrorist activities
secretary plugged hairdryer into UPS
heavy gravity fluctuation, move computer to floor rapidly
dynamic software linking table corrupted
working as designed
(l)user error
pizeo-electric interference
techtonic stress
cellular telephone interference
positron router malfunction
It works the way the Wang did, what's the problem
CPU radiator broken
radiosity depletion
first Saturday after first full moon in Winter
Decreasing electron flux
network packets travelling uphill (use a carrier pigeon)
improperly oriented keyboard
monitor resolution too high
POSIX complience problem
divide-by-zero error
floating point processor overflow
excess surge protection
fat electrons in the lines
somebody was calculating pi on the server
temporary routing anomoly
sounds like a Windows problem, try calling Microsoft support
we're waiting for [the phone company] to fix that line
dry joints on cable plug
magnetic interferance from money/credit cards
hardware stress fractures
doppler effect
static buildup
poor power conditioning
global warming
static from plastic slide rules
static from nylon underwear
electromagnetic radiation from satellite debris
solar flares
>clock speed



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